Sunday, January 18, 2009
Trying to recall what was on my mind the last time i couldn't return to bed. I am overwhelmed and slightly upset that this is happening again. Surely there must be a way to insulate myself from such negative bugging thoughts - and what else but Jesus?
Deep down i know i'm ready for this. Since day 1 i prep myself with the possibility of pain. In fact nothing have changed.
If we do believe in Him preparing someone for us then how we do explain the tiresome situations we always land ourselves in? It is starting to fee painful. I could feel the weight of my self-doings breaking the fine threads. Have we finally reached the crossroad where we were to decide if we should proceed? Do we move on together in one path or should we go our separate ways.
You know what, i really miss how it used to be. There's nothing wrong with the past 3 weeks - only that it feels like a dream...and dreams are temporal. There is this ethereal quality to the time we spent... and one day they will too become a fragment of our memories. On that thought i do feel fresh warm tears coming to my eyes. Could pain... and sorrow essential elements in all worldly unions? I know i will miss you and when i'm starting to miss you it only reminds me that i've never once have u.
& rara avis goes round and around;
7:54:00 AM
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Saturday, December 06, 2008
It is so itchy, i've to refrain from scratching. Many times, i've given up on myself..and went ahead to scratch because the itch was killing me. I took anti-histemine and i dabbed the steriod cream but it doesnt go away instead the skin bulges and hives spread across my skin. There's something that doesn't seem right.. the bad blood which is flowing within me.. whatever chemical or organ which isn't functioning and the skin which is so so sensitive [ do i even have a patch of clear skin left?].... it makes me question if i still have faith.
I know i am healed but why do i not feel so? It's not even about feeling tiptop, i can't even feel healthy. The excessive weight gain which accelerated over the past 2-3 weeks.. and the ezcema attacks which are leaving my legs scarred and v. itchy. Where's healing when i need it most. I cannot do this on my own and when my faith is weak even the anointing oil doesn't seem to work anymore. How can i walk by faith and not by sight..
& rara avis goes round and around;
1:06:00 AM
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Friday, October 24, 2008
Happy Birthday Love.
& rara avis goes round and around;
11:38:00 PM
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In a blink of an eye...a year has passed us by.
Would there be another year to come which we can call our own...
& rara avis goes round and around;
4:50:00 PM
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Friday, October 10, 2008
I hate that you're mindfucking my feelings. I don't want to feel like this. Doing to me what you
deemed i am doing to you doesn't work. Do you really care?
It's plain blackmail.
& rara avis goes round and around;
1:09:00 AM
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Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Ended. You'll always be special.
& rara avis goes round and around;
1:33:00 PM
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Monday, September 29, 2008
I did it again. This time round the desire was so great i was consumed by it. I've never done this before and i am overwhelmed by my need and most certainly the indescribable intensity of my feelings. I cannot fathom. Where i am, it is worse than a labyrinth - there is no way out. I'm plastered between my responsibility and my selfish desires. Sometimes i do wish i can be struck with amnesia and forgot this very trap that i've laid down for myself. I don't know if there's pain or have i already reacted and dealt with any pain that was present. I never know my desire will emblazon me in this manner ever. I know now -never- to undermine the relentless clutches of my flesh which now roams like a tiger which broke free.
I devour with a hunger.. an insatiable lust which intimidates me immensely.
& rara avis goes round and around;
5:00:00 PM
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Saturday, September 27, 2008
Anticipation is the purest form of pleasure – and the most reliable.
& rara avis goes round and around;
3:47:00 PM
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Sunday, September 21, 2008
Do not interrupt the flight of your soul; do not distress what is best in you; do not enfeeble your spirit with half wishes and half thoughts. Ask yourself and keep on asking until you find the answer, for one may have known something many times, acknowledged it; one may have willed something many times, attempted it; and yet, only the deep inner motion, only the heart's indescribable emotion, only that will convince you that what you have acknowledged belongs to you, that no power can take it from you... for only the truth that builds up is truth for you.
& rara avis goes round and around;
11:36:00 PM
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There are many flowers in the garden - Why you.
& rara avis goes round and around;
1:21:00 PM
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Saturday, September 20, 2008
“Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won’t be faithful in large ones. If you cheat even a little, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.” Luke 16:10 (NLT)
Leadership verses reach out to me in a special way. Just as i thought i'm getting too complacent, a verse like this allows me to see that the spark in me has not yet been extinguished - it is simply waiting to be fanned unto flames. This is a message i hold dear - certainly unless i am faithful in small matters, i cannot be entrusted with large ones. Not only does God works in this way, the world seems to be demanding this as well. I'm glad for this timely reminder.
& rara avis goes round and around;
3:49:00 AM
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Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I've forgotten how good it is to write and when i finally did on Rare Ewes i felt GOOD. When i've decided to migrate to a new blog ( akin to starting a NEW LIFE!) i didn't think i would return often to blog. Just how wrong could i get - we won't ever know when we will need this outlet to reminisce. There's a certain mood associated with our blogs .. some blogs follow a theme, some focus on a subject. Raison d'etre seems to capture the emotional side of me better. It's psychological.
I'm afraid i'm back.
Somehow there seem to be some invisible strings pulling me back to these emotions. I was ignorant of how much freedom i've had in regards to my thoughts and actions. I yearn for that ability to be more fatalistic but is that still possible? How do we continue returning to the dark cave when we've seen light?
I wonder if we could just choose blindness even if revelation is obviously more superior. At where i am, i don't see the future. It seems like life can't ever reside in darkness... even if i earnestly desire so.
& rara avis goes round and around;
10:53:00 PM
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